Mom, Take Off Your Cape

It sucks to ask for help. Women want to be able to do it all. We want to be able to meet everyone’s needs and smile politely through it. We are conditioned to think that this is possible and we are coming up short if we can’t. We may even thrive as the family martyr.

It is time to acknowledge that the days of the lady in a nice dress and an apron feather dusting as dinner simmers on the stove are gone. Women are asked to juggle 214 balls at a time…. Work, home life, health and appointments and endless activities for the whole family. Stay-at-home moms no longer welcome their kids after school, feed them, and put them to bed. They shuttle to soccer and piano practice and help with school projects while tackling the never-ending laundry and are personally in charge of knowing where every object that is ever needed by anyone currently resides.

Times are different but the expectations are the same. That imbalance causes us to feel like we are failing and often we don’t ask for help until we snap, yell or make passive aggressive digs because face it – a woman’s workday doesn’t seem to end until her nightlight is turned off.

We guilt ourselves into thinking that every birthday party or classroom Valentine offering needs to be Pinterest inspired works of art and spend time, money and sanity coming up with a C grade replica. We unfairly compare ourselves to our friends who have so much going on and seem to have it all together forgetting that they likely also lost their shit and are stomping around the kitchen waving a dishrag and screaming at everyone. That scene doesn’t make the social feed (nor do the ices creams that the kids were bribed with to finally take a decent picture) so we compare ourselves to the version of the smiling family in matching clothes that couldn’t possibly have last night’s dishes piled in the sink.

I have a unique vantage point of being a working mother but also work from home with greater flexibility so the responsibilities and expectations of a stay-at-home mom are mine. I am fortunate that I have a husband that is a ‘doer’. He does cook dinner several nights a week and can help with other things when asked. The key is in the asking.

The responsibility to get it all done is mine which includes assigning him tasks and then reminding him that he has been assigned the task. And if it is a teacher’s conference, concert, or performance that he is expected to attend, I must also send a meeting invite. So is anything related to our kids or our home ever off my plate. No.

This is not a gripe about my husband… again, I feel quite lucky. It is a gripe about the expectation that we put on ourselves not to ask for help. It is a gripe that I see so many women unable to really take care of themselves because by the time everyone else’s needs are met they are spent.

It is time to change that narrative. Recently a mom of 4 who has her house on the market (!!!) brought up the struggle that she shouldn’t ask for help because she is a stay-at-home mom and it is her “job”. It is a common theme – though having a house listed with 4 kids is next level insanity and if she can't ask for help then we are all screwed.

Through my self-development journey what I can tell you is the absolute biggest game changer for every person in my house is me pouring time into myself. I have created space to love and nourish myself and by finding alignment in my own life, the tone of my house shifted. There is peace where there was chaos. There is understanding where there was frustration.

Am I saying that mediation is more important than vacuuming? Yes, I actually am saying that. It is cliché to say put your own mask on first or you can’t pour from an empty cup and cliché as it may be…. they are both spot on. .

So ask for help so you can carve out the time you need to do the things that bring you joy and calm and may bring a little sanity into your life. By finding that time for yourself your family will reap the rewards. It also sets an example for your family that it is important to take care of yourself. Because it is.

So on International Women's Day, I ask you to take your cape off. Allow the help and support you deserve to bring ease into your life. Here are a few tips to get your started.

Asking for help should be an action and not a reaction.

Think about your week ahead and try to see when you most need help so you can do it from a calm “we are a team” space and not one of frustration. This also allows others to adjust their schedules if needed.

Your words are your wand

We create our reality with our thoughts and words. If you are constantly talking about how there is not enough time, you can’t get it all done, or your house is always dirty you are queuing up circumstances for that to always be so. What if instead you said: I get everything done with ease. I always have enough time in my day. My family thrives because we live in a peaceful environment. I have support in all I do. Everyone always pitches in to make things run smoothly.

Think outside the box.

Do you have neighbors you could trade playtimes with so you have some unaccompanied time to get things done quicker or, dare I say, do something you love?

Leverage tools

Utilize online grocery shopping and stored grocery lists to make repeat tasks systematic.

Thinking of dinner every night for a family can be a job in itself. Make a weekly menu and save it to be repeated the following month.

Crockpots and Instant Pots really are lifesavers for busy families.

Double the recipe

When you are making easy to freeze meals, double the recipe and freeze one to have later. Your future self will love you for this.

Special Assignments

Kids love to have special activities with their dads so know that by asking for help you are strengthening their bond. My kids’ would absolutely prefer to shop for clothes and shoes with Dad. I don’t enjoy it and he took on the assignment early and that is their thing. Phew. It plays to something he enjoys and that makes it more fun for everyone.

Allow older children to help. My daughter has the patience of a future teacher and is often called in to call out spelling words or help with evening reading.

It’s okay to say NO.

I have three kids and if we said yes to every birthday party we would have been occupied every Saturday for many years. We make every attempt to get to the closest friends, but will not be attending a birthday party for every child in every class. It’s a hard no and one they don’t complain about. I explained it and they understood.

It’s okay to say YES

How often are we guilty of turning away help we know we need? There is so much guilt in needing the help and receiving the help. If someone offers to bring a kid home, pick something up for you, any kind of favor. Say YES! This one takes practice but think of it as exhaling. We can’t always be giving (inhaling). It is necessary and important to receive and people love helping out. You don’t need an immediate trade to balance this. Know there will be times in your life when your plate has space and you can help others.

Playing outside is an activity.

I know we have gone against the grain, but we are not year-round sports, travel ball people. They can play a sport but we have chosen not to let their activities be the whole family’s focus. They play outside with neighbors riding bikes, jumping on the trampoline, building forts and eat healthy dinners because we don’t require drive throughs as we shuttle from field to field.

You can play too!

I am on tennis teams and Mark mountain bikes and our activities and passions to make the calendar too. Our kids are our priorities but it is important that we have outlets for our health and happiness to show up for them how we want to.

Put them to work.

I’m talking to you Susan. If your child can build an entire alternate world in a video game, they can unpack the dishwasher.